Cars

Guide to Earth Part VII.

Cars were originally intended to get people to their destinations, but have long ago outgrown this mundane purpose. They are our most cherished possessions, our greatest treasures, our toys, our second home, symbols of social status, a means of self-expression. Although travel could be achieved more efficiently in many other ways, we use cars to prolong the joy of riding.

While the little cabins roll separately, they often run into each other, so cars are good for bringing people together. They also bolster social assistance, as victims of accidents must be provided with aid. People really become attentive to their fellow humans when driving, what with gestures and strong phrases. Cars improve reflexes and train the nervous system.

Cars are a great source of assertiveness. Although sitting closer to the ground, a driver can look down on pedestrians and cyclists as they don’t even flourish a weapon weighing a metric ton. Cars are democratic; anyone with a car can defend their interests, regardless of muscle strength. Cars are a sex badge, a phallic symbol, directly demonstrating the penis size of their owner. Hummers are XXXS, red sports coupes XXS, BMWs XS and so on. This is even true for women who generally don’t possess a penis. But they do possess a car, which allows them to behave in just as heroic a manner as men.

Cars are manly. A cowboy rides a mere one horsepower beast but cars have two hundred horsepowers. This gives a firm foundation for endowing fellow humans with a musical experience — giving gas splashes while waiting at the red light. Cars are easier to ride than horses, although pushing down the gas pedal causes considerable fatigue. A shift car also exercises your left foot, being the most widespread popular sport. It is easy to see that the more you drive the fitter you get.

At rare moments you can still enjoy speed with your car. Such as racing on inner city streets at midnight with the dickhead next lane who thinks they can cut in front of you with their lemon. As the speedometer turns to two hundred you begin to come alive. What is a super marathon, a trans-ocean canoe crossing or climbing K2 to the manly challenge of pushing down on the gas pedal? The city is really a race track, dashing from the red light you can do a spectacular brake maneauver at the next red a hundred yards down the road. Slaloming between people on the pedestrian crossing is another daring feat. Also, when you get into your car, your IQ suddenly soars. Every other driver turns out to be a nitwitted cretin making you look so much better.

Cars are officially called automobiles. Why are they most often immobile then, sitting on the side of the street or in a traffic jam? Well, Einstein was not inventing the theory of relativity at every moment, either! In Swedish cars are called bil as they could kill even lonesome cowboy Bill. In Malagasy the word is fiara as cars often end up in fire. The Spanish speed with their coche into the noche. The Turkish employ the word araba as even Arabs nowadays herd their camels by car. Many languages use the word machine. Welcome my son, welcome to the machine!

Cars are extremely comfortable devices in which you may sit in the same body position for days. Unlike in the outdated train you are not tempted to waste energy by stretching or getting up and walking. Car windows and trunks, as well as garage doors, are opened by button so your fingers are constantly exercised. Your now strong fingers can also be used to turn on air conditioning in order to train your lungs and immune system. As another advantage, cars suppress unpleasant noises, like children crying.

Cars give you freedom because when you go hiking you must return to your car. You are also free to pay taxes, reparation, spare parts, liability insurance, collision insurance, fuel, oil, brake fluid, road toll, parking, fines, etc. Cars boost the economy because you have to pay when they are rolling and also when they are sitting idle. As cars decrease the number of pensioners they also save resources for society. Cars are one of our most expensive possessions so we keep them on the street.

If there were no cars you would have to part with many of the thriumphs of civilization. You couldn’t ride to the supermarket on the weekend to stock up on chips and frozen pizza, you would have to walk to the corner store or the farmers’ market to buy some old-fashioned food. You couldn’t yell at your kid in the morning to hurry up as driving to school takes a half hour longer than riding a bycicle. You couldn’t drive to the fresh aired downtown gym for the captivating experience of running on the treadmill. You would be forced to run in the boring park with its bad air. You can still drive your dog to be walked in the park, however, the lawn is a great place to park. And how would you get to know the surrounding area without having to hunt for a parking place?

Since Eastern Europe became an assembly line for Western cars, automobiles attained an even more important role. If there were not such a high demand for cars, people would have to go out to the sun planting potatoes instead of sitting in comfortable, air-conditioned assembly-line halls. Of course, nowadays planting is also done by huge cars: tractors. Some say that when crude oil runs out we will have to return to the sun planting potatoes, but this is stupid. We will then make ethanol for the tractors so they can till the ground needed for the rape plants that produce the fuel. If we had less car assembly factories, we could create a self-sufficient economy more shielded from the effects of globalism, but this would be way too old-fashioned. Any truly modern car has parts manufactured in five continents, this being especially practical at the time of pandemias, wars and sanctions. The wheel of time cannot be rolled back!

Although Hungary at this moment still has more people than cars, the number of people is decreasing, while that of cars is increasing, so the situation will soon reverse. If you look at space occupied, the seven hundred thousand cars in Budapest already take up more room than the 1.6 million inhabitants. A 12 meter wide side street has 10 meters for cars and 2 meters for pedestrians but as the latter are unimportant the small remaining slice of sidewalk is also occupied by cars. Fortunately cars parking on the sidewalk efficiently protect people from cars rushing on the road. Cars standing by the curb, on the pavement, in the flower beds and everywhere are very efficient at protecting the asphalt from rain and give a shelter to stray cats. They also prevent pedestrians from moving too fast and inhaling an even greater amount of exhaust fumes.

Cars are excellent for escaping from cities full of exhaust fumes. Of course, other people are thinking the same so the new place will also fill up with exhaust fumes. But then you can get into the car and drive somewhere where the air is still breathable. Since the planet is round you will soon be back home. Home, sweet home! You can also drive to work spending the money you make on your car.

Cars aid evolution by destroying weak and slow creatures. A tyrannosaur, however, would not be affected by them. Exhaust fumes have an evolutionary influence as well: oxygen used to be poisonous for organisms but they got used to it in a mere few billion years. Until this happens, cars are used for suicide: the engine is turned on in the garage, how much more humane than setting yourself on fire. This is popular in America where cars began their glamorous quest. Americans, by the way, are also conceived in cars, go to drive-in restaurants, cinemas, banks, with many people also living in their cars. As for suicide you can also think of the atmosphere as a big garage that will soon fill up with exhaust fumes.

Our planet is crisscrossed by roads so you can drive to your mechanic. A new road fills up with cars immediately so construction of an even newer one can be started immediately. Soon roads will blend into a unified asphalt field evenly covering the surface of Earth. When this happens we can drive everywhere like the taliban on a dodgem track.

People love driving since their cars are the last things they have control over. As this situation gives too much autonomy to individuals, cars will soon become self-driving. A Central Committee will control everyone’s car in a real democratic way. The democratic nature of cars can easily be seen by the fact that a Ford Pinto can cause just as big a mass accident as a Mercedes.

Less advantageously looking ladies can appear more desirable for potential suitors in a nice car. And if your beloved falls in love with your car she can take it with her after a divorce. Cars are also a means of artistic expression: they leave blots of oil in the puddles which are a source of mesmerizing joy for small kids. Cars give a wonderful opportunity for the expression of individuality: you can equip them with a little paper fir tree with a wonderful smell, a nodding doggy or humorous bumper stickers. Cars are one of our most aesthetic objects.

Billions of cars have already been manufactured on this planet. Humanity often wonders about the meaning of life, not knowing that this is the assembly, operation and admiration of cars. Cars can take you directly to heaven! One reason we are so fond of them is their killing more people than anything else — after all, overpopulation must be stopped at any price.

If you don’t have a car, you are not a human being. But if a car doesn’t have a human being, it’s still a car. Could cars be the being of the future?

Cars are a great toy. Cars are cool. Cars are indispensable. Get in your car — you’ll be a star.