Guide to Earth Part IV.
Psychology is not psycho-logic, or the mindset of psychos. It is a very serious science clearly demonstrated by its exclusive use of Greek and Latin terms, such as schizophrenia, neurosis and depression. Lately some English abbreviations are also included such as ADHD or PTSD, as progress and growth is important, especially in the number of mental illnesses. Psychology is extremely advanced in this respect: new mental conditions are discovered every week. In this way psychology is superior to chemistry where new elements are discovered much more rarely. Chemistry, however, does discover new medicines that can be used to suppress the symptoms of mental problems. This is performed by psychiatrists, who prescribe hard drugs instead of engaging in the soul searching maneauvres of psychologists. As every heroin addict knows hard drugs are very effective in controlling mental states.
Psychologists have an ambiguous attitude towards psychiatrists. As the latter are doctors, in other word gods, psychologists have a healthy dose of envy towards them. They also respect them to some extent for having the letters M.D. written after their names. Also, while psychologists
got drunk in bars participated in sociocultural activities in their college years, psychiatrists did succeed in finishing six years of a vicious university. Yet psychologists snub psychiatrists for not being spiritual enough. As revenge they send all of their hopeless patients to them.
One of the first discoveries of Western psychology was that the unconscious mind is more powerful than the conscious mind. Knowing that smoking is bad for your health will not make it easy to quit. Therefore, according to psychology, the most important thing is to bring problems into consciousness. That will not change them but at least clients can excercise their willpower and their jaw muscles by trying to suppress them. As an extra benefit your curiosity will be satisfied about why the problem arose.
The way psychology goes about treating mental problems is first diagnosing the condition which makes it an integral part of the client’s self-image. The therapist then proceeds to determine that the problem is uncurable. Thus a name has to be found for every human problem; main category, subcategories and sub-subcategories. In the Middle Ages exorcism was the norm: devils possessing a human soul were driven out by calling out their names. Psychology, of course, is far from such Middle Age superstition as it is a real science based on objective facts. Its exact and elevated nature can be seen by your therapist charging you an exact and elevated amount of money every week. In Hungary a receipt is usually avoided so as not to compromise the patient in front of the tax authorities.
Some might question why mental difficulties are studied in such detail. Wouldn’t it make more sense to study health and ways of becoming well-adjusted? These simpletons forget Columbus setting out west on his quest to India. When travelling to New York from Chicago the most obvious direction is Los Angeles, after all, the planet is round and you can get to whereever you want. Also, normal people are not as interesting as crazy people, moreover, upon scrupulous enough investigation you’ll find that normal people do not exist. Everyone is either neurotic or psychopatic.
Psychology is an exciting science with many branches. The oldest, most famous, nowadays regrettably neglected branch is psychoanalysis. Psychoanalysis has discovered that in order to change the future we need to concentrate on the past. When you wish to demolish a ruin the proper approach is to study why the house was originally constructed. If you do this for five or ten years you save yourself a lot of sweat; no toil with pick-axes, bags of concrete and so on. You can comfortably lie on the couch and brag about your childhood traumas. And if you happen to die during this time you will not need the house at all saving up on demolition and construction expenses. You also secure a living for your therapist thereby increasing the mental health of society while reducing unemployment. Resting on the couch will also replenish your energies needed to make money for your therapy. This way everyone benefits.
Another great realization of psychology is that we are all multiple personalities. This is marvellous as we can achieve more in a shorter amount of time. While one personality makes dinner, another can dig the garden and a third one can cut firewood. Transaction Analysis has made the brilliant discovery that everyone is made up of a parent, a child and an adult. Psychonalysis, on the other hand, knows that in reality you have an ego, an id and a superego. The best thing is to undergo both kinds of therapy, this way you’ll have more parts turning your performance even more efficient.
Behaviorism was invented by Skinner. There are many ways to skin a cat, and even more to Skin a rat. Skinner and his students made rats run in the maze for so long that they finally realized people are really rats. Those of us that follow the behavior of politicians and the so-called upper ten thousand have long ago reached the same conclusion.
According to the world-shaking discovery of humanistic psychology people benefit from being loved instead of being criticised or subjected to electroshock. Humanistic psychologists thus refrain from criticizing others, except other psychologists. And people who criticize others. And, of course, people who disagree with them.
Integral theory is a higher level theory incompassing many simple theories. Eventually meta-metatheories will be invented giving psychology a fractal-like shape. Until that time we have lots of statistics at the university as statistics is really useful in curing people. If you know that 7.5% of people are depressed, all you have to do is wait for 200 patients to show up, select the depressed ones and voilà your encounter group. Or if the psychology of creativity is being taught by a left-handed, homosexual professor, he can cite statistical data to prove that lefties and homosexuals are more creative. This way it is very obvious what we have to do if we wish to become more creative.
Measuring IQ is also important. Those that get a good score can be proud while the rest won’t comprehend what their score means. Psychologists also don’t have a cue what the test actually measures, but the point is that their score be higher than that of the general population. IQ now has siblings like the very popular EQ, the baby SQ and others so she doesn’t feel so alone. All of those are very scientific, the only weakness being that they consist of only two letters. Important abbreviations like GDP, KGB, NSA all have three letters with the most modern also having a number such as GPT-4 or g11n.
Psychology is being practiced by psychologists who originally chose this profession in order to have a better relationship with themselves. While university makes them realize that this is impossible, it does provide great Greek terms that can be used to express their uniqueness. After graduating psychologists can choose whether to torture rats or people. In case of the former they will be researchers with high social standing. If they choose the latter, they will have patiens who don’t understand the Greek terms so psychologists can feel superior. Some people assert that psychologists, before their training, were just like other people but this is impossible to ascertain in retrospect. In any case, psychologists believe most people are nuts while most people believe psychologists are nuts thereby creating a nice balance in society and increasing the self-respect of everyone.
The best way to find a therapist is to go to a school and find the most disturbed kid in class. His mother will be a psychologist. A male psychologist is rare but cunning for he chose a university with a lot of pretty and insecure girls. In this respect the faculty of psychology is quite unlike a seminary which it does resemble in having wonderful principles. Just as in a seminary, principles don’t always meet with practice but at least at psychology faculty there are no altar boys.
Healing methods are not taught during undergraduate studies as fooling with the minds of others is dangerous. This is left for advertisers, media people, PR-practitioners and other, impeccably moral professionals. Despicable quacks, on the other hand, who dare doing therapy without a psychology degree and the approval of professional bodies are not tolerated. Psychology training is required as it establishes a moral and professional perspective by disseminating time-honored theories of the forebearers. Other professions could learn from this: Chemistry could demand more detailed knowledge of the phlogiston theory. Truck drivers ought to be immersed in the theory of driving an ox cart. The army, likewise, should be giving lessons about the working principle of the musket and the alberd.
After university, a psychology graduate is a mere half a decade away from being allowed to do therapy. During this time she can participate in numerous training courses with the leadership of her former professors and other highly regarded professionals. The courses are not cheap, indicating the value of the training while also granting a Certificate. Graduates may participate in as many courses as they wish, provided they have rich parents, win the lottery or sell one of their kidneys on the black market.
Perhaps the most brilliant feature of the great science of psychology is that it does not deal with mental and emotional wholeness. While psychology is concentrating on other important and serious issues, this area is free for us to explore achieving inner piece, harmony, balance, humor and happiness all by ourselves.