Sport
Guide to Earth Part XX.
Probably few people know that the word sport comes from the Old French verb deporter, which is also the origin of deportation. In the case of sport, the mind is ‘deported’ or freed from worries, the meaning later becoming more restricted, mainly to physical activity. There are also mind sports of which Grätzer József1 was a pro, but he was deported nevertheless.
Today, sport is not so much a nobleman’s hobby as a physical activity. This is especially true of television sports programs, which train the eye-moving muscles of hundreds of millions of people. Add to this the biceps-strengthening power of lifting your beer mug; watching the game is clearly a main muscle building activity in our society. Unfortunately, up until now the match hasn’t been split into three thirds instead of two half-times, which would allow for even more advertising.
Some go as far as saying that sports will save humanity. Instead of conducting devastating wars we will engage in noble and beneficial competition. As a late manifestation of our tribal nature, games truly are capable of mobilizing enormous energies in society. Football hooligans are very useful for venting social frustration.
Source: Zac Allan, Wikipedia
True, they also cause frustration, but that can then be vented at the next game, so everything’s fine. And the ravaged subway cars and restaurants would have been renovated sooner or later anyway. One stitch in time saves nine! Renovation also increases GDP, so football hooligans clearly contribute to society.
Soccer is the king of sports. Soccer players immediately get citizenship, sport tattoos, spit spectacularly and are role models for children. If a soccer player gets a certain hairstyle, from then on it’ll be normal and can be worn. Soccer players are tough guys, so they fall hard, showing they are about to die of pain and injustice. When the referee doesn’t give a penalty kick, one can witness a miraculous recovery. Who said soccer was not spiritual?
If you are not good enough for the national team, you can still become a permanent prime minister, much to your regret, since you would have liked to be a teacher2. Poor thing. At least this sacrifice has the advantage that an uncountable number of stadiums will be built all over the country. Although these stadiums will initially be empty, in case of a revolution they are perfectly suitable for locking up half the population disruptive elements.
Source: OD Pictures, Wikipedia
Some accuse sporting matches to be a modern form of gladiator games, a distraction for the plebs by the patricians so the super rich can engage in looting public funds and waging wars. This is not true, of course. After all, no one is called emperor any more and lions have been largely exterminated. And the fact that the guy should have shot that fucking penalty into the top left corner is way more important than a just society.
Boxing is also a great sport, and it’s not true that it causes dementia, as Joe Biden was never a boxer. But Muhammad Ali, as we all know, was the greatest. The greatest sporting event is the Olympics, although the Olympian gods were more into fighting, partying and womanizing than sport. But the Olympics are held in a spirit of cooperation, so athletes from countries considered rogue can be banned from the Games, thus eliminating the competition.
Sports based on endurance, stamina and brute muscle power are often accused of being experimental fields for the pharmaceutical industry, where as yet untraceable doping substances are tested. This is blatant slander. Even if it was true, the field is even, as any country can try their drugs while it’s a great way to bring down the Russians. Testing new drugs is, in any case, necessary for mankind. At least they won’t be tested on animals, which is something that rights activists are always protesting against. Nothing is good for those bastards! They even dare to say that cyclists hide tiny engines in the frames of their bikes to increase performance. Sport is the engine of progress, a way of enjoying the beauty of nature.
Source: Jordan Andrews, Unsplash
In the sports shop you can’t buy sports, only a wide variety of sport equipment. A sports lover is not someone who seduces you in the locker room, but someone in love with sports. Sports shooters don’t aim at sports, but at targets and sports hospital sports doctors don’t cure sports, but sports injuries. Swimming pools are not to be confused with gene pools or playing pool which is a different ball game from playing fool.
The essence of competitive sport is contest in which there are many losers and only a handful of winners. This reflects capitalism thus preparing people for the realities of our society. When they originally introduced running races to Native American children, the unsophisticated urchins stopped before the finish line to wait for the others. This shows how primitive Indians are, completely unfit for modern life. Fortunately, there are not many of them left, and the same goes for the bison whose overpopulation has been efficiently curbed by sport hunters.
Source: Gregor Mima, Pixabay
There are also popular sports, like when you have to run a marathon on asphalt, or they announce that there’s going to be a swim across Lake Balaton, and then there’s a slight chance of a mild breeze, so it gets cancelled again. Thank goodness gyms, great achievements of our civilization, are not affected by the weather. You can run on a treadmill in the velvety air of a downtown shop window with nice music or useful nutritional advice in your headphones. You can even buy a treadmill for your home and watch TV while exercising, so you don’t feel the dopamine rush and don’t get addicted to sport. Should you later become an astronaut it’ll be really nice being used to the machine and being able to run in any direction in space.
Source: NASA, Wikipedia
Grassroots sports are useful as an excuse for cutting down trees and bushes in parks and replacing them with sports fields. These kinds of sports are also a way to relive your childhood. It would obviously be inappropriate for a serious person to slide around on the snow in an infantile fashion. But if you take a mountain, cut down the trees, cover it with ski lifts and flood it with hordes of people in space suits, then it’s all right, because that’s skiing. This noble sport not only provides jobs for lumberjacks, ski lift builders and hotel staff, but also for sports equipment manufacturers. After all, sport equipment is essential for sports. A decent cyclist setting off for the pub on a Friday night is properly equipped. The cool brands he’s wearing clearly show that he’s a true athlete, well prepared to cover those two kilometers. There are other brands that are not used for sports but are labeled ‘sporty’, the manufacture of which is also a boost to the economy.
The point of sport is to set yourself apart from the grey everyday. What do you mean “Let’s cycle to work!”? Sport is when you get in the car after work, throw the bike on the rack and go out to the track, watching your speed meter. Climbing the stairs to the tenth floor is not sport but a frustrating experience, you only do it three times a week when the elevator breaks down. Luckily, the subway has an escalator that takes you up to the street where you’re almost at your treadmill in your favorite gym. Life can be really comfortable if you exercise enough!
A Hungarian brainteaser expert, secretary of the writer Karinthy Frigyes. He was deported and killed in the holocaust.
Orbán Viktor, in this early interview expresses his desire to become a university teacher instead of a politician.