McDonald’s represents an outstanding cultural value in our age. It’s clearly one of the peak achievements of humanity. When the first McDonald’s opened in Moscow in the communist era, people lined up as if the gates of heaven had opened up in front of them.
Source: Serkan Yanık, Unsplash
And who knows, maybe they did. Yet McDonald’s is not merely a role model in the field of spirituality. McDonald’s contributes significantly to economic development. The bulk of tasty beef for delicious hamburgers comes from cattle grazing in the place of destroyed tropical rain forests, welcoming Brazil into the world economy. As we know, deforestation has many benefits. It cleanses the land: no branches to fall on our heads, no jaguars to worry about, no lianas to strangle innocent hikers. The overproduction of oxygen is prevented, saving our systems from unnecessarily excitement. Tropical rainforests had also been home to millions of endemic species found nowhere else. Categorizing them all would be an almost unsurmountable hardship for scientists, with scientific names running out eventually. A great deal of work is thus saved thanks to the sacrifice of McDonald’s.
Source: Ibama, Wikipedia
Not only does McDonald’s work with natural resources, it also handles human resources in the most efficient way, opening up new horizons in robotics. There’s even a possibility that we may not need to replace all humans with robots. One may expand upon the dedicated work of schools training simple flesh-blood-and micro-plastics humans into obedient, profit-making machine parts. Although this would be an imperfect solution in the long run, in our time, the transitional period, human robots are useful; in this area McDonald’s is the vanguard of progress. Since there’s no conscription in most Western countries any more, it’s fallen upon McDonald’s to discipline the low-income part of the population.
All the above are merely secondary boons; we haven’t even talked about the most basic benefit, properly feeding people. In our daily lives, we overload our digestive systems by eating too many kinds of plants and animals. Our diets are not focused enough. It’s more advisable to build your life on tried and trusted things such as French fries, Coke and Big Mac, which, beside your spirit, will also make your body grow considerably. Besides a mere three or four years go by and whooom! exciting new dishes get introduced at McDonald’s. True, they all taste the same, but they have different forms and names.
And all that’s just the beginning. Time to time news crop up about discovering plastic-eating bacteria that will save us from the mountains of plastic waste. Well, the little bubbles are far inferior to us! For decades now, millions of Homo sapiens have been sitting in McDonald’s, munching on delicious plastic. No petri dish, but a sophisticated environment with plastic tables, plastic trays, plastic silverware, plastic air, where plastic people consumers munch on delicious plastic food. Now one can ingest the same additives all over the world! Behold the true brotherhood! Hey, Ronald McDonald! All men become brothers under the sway of thy gentle wings!
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This is how McDonald’s turns traveling into a truly intimate experience. No more fear of dangerous bacteria and unpronounceable food names in the third world! Whether it’s Johannesburg, Kuala Lumpur or Asunción, you can simply sit down at McDonald’s and enjoy a familiar menu. McDonald’s also performs a cultural missionary task: spreading hygiene in the Third World. Hygiene means coating as many surfaces as possible with disinfectant, even if no one has been to the toilet.
As for cleanliness — why toil at doing the dishes? McDonald’s is also leading the way in introducing disposable plates and silverware. Also, by bolstering migration of the workforce, it’s now promoting the disposable country. This will soon be followed by the disposable wife, culminating in the disposable planet, a crusade that McDonald’s is the modern leader of.
You might have thought that McDonald’s restaurants provide complete comfort but there’s even more: the drive-in. You don’t even need to get out of your automobile. You don’t have to enter into an airspace with suspicious, alien clusters of protoplasm. You won’t have to breathe in other people’s smell of sweat. You can bask in the restaurant experience in your air-conditioned car, happily puffing out clouds of exhaust fumes until you get from the order taker to the dispenser. Lightning fast service, instant gratification!
The Roman Empire is revered for having conquered and subdued its neighbours. A truly great human achievement. One ring to rule them all! It standardized language, institutions, lifestyles, buildings. But what was the Roman Empire compared to the modern realm! In those days, only the Mediterranean was dotted with Roman military garrisons, military roads, amphitheaters. McDonald’s, the modern successor to ancient empires, goes far beyond the old landmarks. Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Ivan the Terrible knew a thing or two, but their deeds dwarf those of Ronald McDonald, whose empire stretches from Alaska to Tasmania, from Tierra del Fuego to the Sahara, uniting the peoples of Earth in a single empire.
Source: GreenCardShow, Pixabay
Of course, McDonald’s is not only a leader in spatial expansion, but also in that of time. It’s gradually accustoming us to artificial temperatures, artificial lighting, artificial air, thus performing an unsurpassed service to the space age, introducing humans to conditions on an interstellar spacecraft. McDonald’s’ sweetish whatdoyoucallit, vaguely reminiscent of a bun, the disk of artificial fat inside, called a hamburger, together with some plastic cheese melted on top, foreshadows the astronaut’s diet. Those things looking slightly like a tomato from a distance, together with nitrate-rich salads drizzled with ping-pong ball cream will be familiar on Mars. You may think I’m writing this in ridicule — far from it. Homo sapiens must be prepared for the future. In the 21st century, you can’t chew roots and crunch snails! A normal human being would not tolerate this onslaught of chemicals, so we must gradually get used to it, and in this, McDonald’s is doing unparallelled pioneering work.
Source: Daniel Wanke, Pixabay
Not mentioning the fact that when the crash happens in full and not even potatoes can be grown you will still be able to find original McDonald’s’ French fries that have been harvested years, perhaps decades ago and deep fried in McDonald’s’ storehouses. This, together with Coke, will be the treasure the armed gangs will fight for. When there’ll be no more electricity and the deep fried things will defreeze — ah, there’s no reason for such dark pessimism. Just because some people don’t like the smell of burned artificial fats mixed with that of decade-old fries, we will not turn back the wheel of history. Fossilians have no place in the twenty-first century.
Some may daydream about the possibility of transporting all McDonald’s’ kennels restaurants to an uninhabited island. This would have the additional benefit of having a place where we could also tuck away all the Barbie dolls, energy drinks, atomic weapons, TV sets, cigarettes brushcutters and the like. Actually, this great plan has already been executed at a much more grand scale: the island in question is called planet Earth. Pluto, Io, Ganymede and innumerable other celestial bodies are still available for those moldy individuals who do not wish to enjoy the fruits of progress: ice cream with a taste of ping-pong balls, chewing gum tasting like Coke, Coke tasting like chewing gum and other, even more amazing advances of our civilization.