Religion used to be the official cosmology. It has recently been replaced by materialism, accoring to which the universe is ruled by randomly orbiting celestial bodies, electrons and views, except for capitalism, which is sacred and eternal. Still, some space was reserved for religion so that people have somewhere to take comfort when the bank takes their house. At least it doesn't rain in the church, although nowadays it’s closed at night, lest they steal God in this ugly world. For the temple is God's house. Christianity states that God is everywhere, but we surely cannot allow Him be homeless!
Religion is an institutionalized form of spirituality, in which some higher authority, clergy or church decides about the true nature of spirituality and reality. The Church is useful because it keeps you from overthinking, saving your brain from getting overly hot. Since you won't need money in the afterlife, the Church convinces you to give it to the Church now. Unfortunately, the Church can no longer execute heretics in modern society, but actually it’s no longer necessary, as there are other methods ensuring that no one pays attention to crazy nutcases. The Church also has an important social function, it runs schools, it used to run hospitals and it still gives last rites so that people can go to the afterlife with their heads held high.
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The afterlife plays a prominent role in religions. Considering no one has yet come back to report on it, it’s described in quite a bit of detail. In Christianity and some other religions, hell is very important. Hell is the most hellish thing in the world, and it lasts forever. Anyone who disobeys the priests goes to hell. Devils are the governor of hell, you could say they are the bishops of hell. The arch-devil is called Lucifer, who is very black, because he brought light to people, and is actually an angel. There must have been many theories in the Middle Ages about where sub-devils came from, but this particular subject is recently not in the spotlight. Could it be that we ourselves become devils when we go to hell? In this case we would be torturing ourselves; this would be embarrassingly reminiscent of this world where people get sad if they don't own four Mercedes.
Thank God there is also heaven. In the Hindu heaven we become devas and live very, very happily for a very, very long time, but then we have to be reborn again on a lower level. The quickest way to get into Muslim heaven is as a suicide bomber. The dance of the huris is well worth the noise. The gates of Christian heaven are opened by St. Peter. Once inside we dangle our feet from the clouds, listen to the trumpets of angels and await resurrection. Why we need to be resurrected having already reached heaven is a little obscure, like much else in Christianity. Christians have always been fond of the optometrist profession. The sudden rising of a staggering number of corpses could be quite spectacular, especially given today's population. People rising from the grave are not zombies, or only according to voodoo, which can also be regarded as a religion. Others believe that voodoo is meant more for destroying your enemies, although the truth is that other religions are also suitable for this purpose. Stabbing the puppet of your enemy with a needle can be very entertaining, just imagine a Haitian version of a revenge action movie.
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Another important element in religion is sin. As the tattoos of former prisoners readily inform you, life is sin. Christians being very original, they have sole ownership of original sin. This means that we are born bad and therefore obliged to spend our whole lives in mourning, penance and self-flagellation.
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This great idea will keep psychologists employed forever. In the East there is no sin, only karma, the consequence of our actions. Bad karma is a bit like sin, except that we don't have to feel guilty because it carries it’s own punishment. The punishment is that we are reborn into this vale of tears from which no one wants to leave. A virtuous deed produces good karma, but in the end it only postpones deliverance.
There are many religions, most of them founded by prophets who performed miracles. Religion can also work miracles, including getting people to go to war. Religious war is especially logical for a denomination whose prophet preached love, acceptance, gentleness and humility. Yes! We will spare no sacrifice! We will show you the right way to love even if we have to chop your head off! The three Western monotheisms have been at loggerheads with each other for a long time, being so different. Take, for example, your as yet un-chopped-off head. In church, men must remove their caps. In mosques, on the other hand, only caps are proper. Jews know what makes the world go around — they wear caps yet don’t wear caps. (This demonstrates that they are capable of anything and seek world domination.) As for headgear, it’s clear that only by following the proper regulations can you reach the Ultimate Essence. Christians without a cap, Muslims with a cap, and Jews with a cap that is not a cap.
Fortunately women are allowed hats in church:
According to the oldest religion, animism, everything has a soul, not only those we consider living beings, but also the wind, rocks, rivers. According to the newest religion, materialism, nothing has a soul, and its advocates are eager to destroy any remaining animist. Those destroyed animistic people don’t know that they were animistic, since animism is not a religion in the modern sense, but anthropologists have had to classify them somewhere. With the removal of animists, animism also disappears, but animalism doesn’t!
In shamanism, the shaman goes into a trance and comes into contact with beings from other dimensions. This is similar to when the chief physician reveals the message of your X-ray, only the shaman accompanies the information with more exciting movements and wears more colorful clothes. If any. Shamans are often jolted into another dimension with the help of musical instruments and mind-altering substances, like young people at festivals, but a significant advantage is that they don't have to pay for wrist bands. Most shamans have now been wiped out in the name of progress, as in our modern age we don't believe in superstition, but in reality.
Hinduism is a very complicated religion sporting just about everything: monotheism, polytheism, mysticism, monkey-headed creatures and multi-armed elephants. Proper covering of the head, naturally, is important, with the Himalayan sadhus fighting for enlightenment with beards and dreadlocks. Bald are Krishnas, bald are Krishnas. Krishnas, Krishnas are bald, oh, bald. Sikh men are required to wear dastārs. By joining the headwear cult, they show that theirs is a serious religion. Buddhists are not sure if they are a religion, but they, along with Taoists, know full well that nothing is as it is. The Buddha was ascetic, so they portray him as fat, building temples to giant reclining Buddha statues that have no buttocks, perhaps to symbolize bottomless wisdom.
The presence or absence of verbality is also significant in religions. Christianity requires prayer, while Eastern religions require meditation. In Zen Buddhism, you go into a trance with your eyes open, predating television and cell phone screens by millenia. In many religions there is also a rosary-like thing to help you mumble. While Western religions tell you the truth in so many words, Zen masters scorn words. They hit their disciples with a stick instead to make their aching bodies jolt them into enlightenment.
Eastern religions believe in reincarnation. Their goal is liberation from samsara, the eternal cycle of births and deaths. Westerners, on the other hand, are terrified of death and would be very relieved to know that they will be reborn. A simple solution could be to swap places. Fortunately, this has already begun, with the Chinese migrating to us in massive numbers and the hippies going to India.
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Priests are the authority on religion. Priests preach a lot and, although they don't build particle accelerators, are similar to physicists. Both teams specialize in the cosmos, talking about the unseen, preferably in a language only they understand. Doctors are also not far removed from priests — their Satan is not called Lucifer but Covid19, and must be exorcised from the body, not the soul. Psychologists are a competition to priests as they target the same market niche, the soul. Competition, as we know, benefits the consumer, who will have more services to choose from. At the moment, psychologists are winning; not being neurodivergent is quite suspect.
As to priests, the priesthood is not a criminal society. Priests come in many shapes and colors. There are, among others, high priests, deacons, the Pope, lamas, rabbis and ayatollahs. High Priests are like a vegetarian lion, just like ministers i.e. servants. While high priests can be short, deacons ought to be beacons. Orthodox priests are bearded, mystical, and quite unorthodox about charging money. The Pope is the Vicar of Christ, like Lucifer of hell. Lamas, both human and ungulant, tend to live close to God, in high mountains. Ayatollahs can, in a lucky (others say unlucky) case become head of state. You never see a rabbi eating pork sausage.
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He does it in privacy. But even rabbis can eat vegetarian sausage if kosher, i.e. the sausage. Bashing the bishop is not kosher, though, as the actress said to the Pope. The Pope’s nose is the chicken’s butt, but monks of Eastern denominations have to eat whatever is tossed into their bowls. In spite of millenia of scriptures and sages, religion in the East is pretty much do-it-yourself. You have to find a guru yourself and be able to live on an ice shelf. Some people say that religion itself is a we-did-it-ourselves thing. These people tend to get burnt at the stake. Others found their own religions, they are called prophets. Prophets’ teachings, in a few hundred years of time, are used to oppress the population. That, along with the obligatory asceticism, possible crucifixion and the general lack of interest, is why it’s not worth becoming a prophet.